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| 1. Don't get drawn into verbal fights with self-righteous middle aged women. They're probably just suffering from menopause.
2. Fail to plan, plan to fail. I should really plan out my day every day. It helps quite a bit.
3. I am absolutely horrible socially when I'm tired. Stay away from too many people.
4. There is a Facebook group called "I picked a Major I like, and One Day I Will Probably Be Living In a Box" and it has more than 105,000 members. Way to go arts majors.
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| I'm going to say it once, and hopefully not say it again. But I hate charity. No, I'm not talking about charities or philanthropic causes, but charity for me. If there's one thing I absolutely suck at and hate learning is that I need to learn to accept charity from others. Things like, asking for help from people that I cannot repay.
I've come to love my independence, and it's something my ego has come to protect. But I think if I continue this way, all I'm going to be later is a prideful and stubborn hermit that won't accept help from anyone. For how easy is it for me to give advice, when someone asks? It's so nice. It doesn't bother me at all, because it rubs my pride. But when I have to ask others, my ego is bruised and I'm resisting it like a dog going to the vet to get spayed or neutered.
I'm also having a tough time with my last few assignments in school this term. I hate to admit it, but I hate asking for help from people I don't respect academically, even though they've proven their skill at it and are much better than me. Oh, that people I don't respect part - seems like it's crept up on me the last few months. When did I get so bitter?
Self hating won't do, and only leads to worser things like self-pity. So, I'm going to force myself to blog about some good things in life. Such as, I feel much more engaged in school this term. I have confidence in some (hah, not all) of my projects, and I felt like I creamed my presentation last time. At last, something in school I finally did good at and feel proud of. Oh yeah, there's also that bit about the symposium, and being decently responsible for BM club. That's been running well, but I'm definitely still learning. Also I'm getting a lot better at running meetings, and improving at handling diplomatic people.
One of my really good friends, not afraid to speak out about my problems and tell me things I don't like, really thinks I could've learned something from the other guy I was living with. Maybe he's right. But too bad, the term's almost done. I do blame it on all the other things and people I've had to *ahem* deal with. BM, ccf, projects, BM meetings, floods, school crap. Btw, yes, I can definitely admit I'm an introvert now and I like to recharge by myself. People stress me out when I'm exposed to them for long periods, haha. Sorry if that offends you, but I can't help but admit it. I do get stressed when I have to deal with people 24/7. Next time if I seem like I'm in a hurry to stop talking to you, maybe you can keep this in mind. Whoever reads this, heh.
There are people who I don't feel stressed talking to when I'm at the end of my rope on a bad day. I hate to say it, but right now God isn't one of them. I'm definitely having trouble accepting charity from that source too. But wait, what happened to my positive thinking?
I have an assignment that's just squashed my confidence and ego just not 3 hours ago, an essay to write for Friday, a major programming project due Monday and Sunday, and not to mention a lot of other stuff like BM meetings, sending the love of my life off on her month long trip, taxes, course enrollment (HAH!), and probably a few other things I've forgotten. Yet I'm still here writing this blog that I haven't touched since OCTOBER! But I feel like I need to record this down. Even if no one else reads this, it will be interesting to come back to this in 6 months, a year, 3 years, half a lifetime later, and see what I was thinking.
I need to put this down: I've been looking for a mentor, and it seems like it's impossible to find one. But maybe the problem is myself - I'm unwilling to be mentored.
This attitude's got to go. How can I be positive when I feel like this? Goodness, I'm becoming a worrywart.
I miss California like crazy.
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| All 1949 pages, the Bible! Done!
In 5 years... nothing to brag about.
The journey through the pages continues!
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| A late night work on producing test scripts for DB2's weird graphic and vargraphic data type produces this topical history of browsing through wikipedia and other sites:
-Double byte character sets
-japanese and chinese character sets
-Hong Kong Supplementary Character Set
-Canotonese dialect
-Taishan dialect
-Guangzhou
-Guangdong
-Kwantung
-Manchukuo puppet state
-Unit 731
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unit_731
I think that's much worse than germany... now I can understand why it's so hard for people to forgive
And to know that the US gave those scientists amnesty...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=439776&in_page_id=1770
come to think of it, I suppose I should be thankful that although the US acquired the data, they had the sense to not use it. The atomic bomb doesn't seem like such an extreme evil anymore... though evil nevertheless.
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| On the last entry
Been a little bit since my last entry. But yeah, not bitter about it anymore. Really took some time out, just thought about it. Now, the hard part is the reconciliation part. Especially when there's not much motivation to do it - as in, I don't gain much. A lot is pushing me to just sweep this under the rug. But I can't do that. Gotta write those emails.
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Random boast. Sort of.
50 pages left in the Bible!! FIFTY!!
well, it's nothing to be proud of really. I did start reading 5 years ago. *sigh*
But... better late than never!
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Followed by admitting that I suck...
Gosh, I SUCK at personal fitness. No stamina at ALL.
This probably relates to perseverance - and I suck at that too. Well, figures I guess. I was blessed with a lot of abilities when I was young, so I never really had to persevere or train up my staying power to accomplish something. Generally I did it with one go. Now it's biting me back in the butt.
But no more blaming. If I'm to run this race, I have to train. If I'm to train to see results, I'll have to persevere.
What is it mean to persevere anyway? A google define:persevere gives me persisting or refusing to stop - and persisting gives, to continue to exist. To not give up. And that's what I have to learn.
(Just for the nerds... persist also means the continued existence of an object across session boundaries, i.e. in a database or other temporary storage. But you already knew that :D)
Where is this coming from? Well, I just tried out for the Stanford badminton team, and was cut right away. While yeah, there were probably other reasons (like, I was only here for 4 months, I'm not even from Stanford, I'm a 'senior' and thus training me and then me graduating is kind of wasting time), but I think even if those factors didn't exist, I still wouldn't have made the competitive team, or the upper half of the team. It's just that I used to be good compared with everyone, but now against the best I'm nothing. And not even the best - even people who sucked with badminton had better stamina than me.
There's nothing I can really hold onto as my strong point anymore. Hopefully this is my last vestige of pride that hinders me from running this race marked out for me.
Ok I'll stop monologuing and do some work now. Cya.
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